A Tough Addiction

It was the morning of January 28th, 2010 when it happened. A frightening moment of panic and then the sad realization of what had happened. My computer DIED! One day my Dell was happily, although slowly, humming along. The next morning, nothing, not even its familiar hum & buzz. Nothing would go on, power cords were checked, connections were double and triple checked. Finally Murph broke the news to me-my connection to the world was lost. Our computer was done and most likely unfixable.

It may sound a tad bit over dramatic or ridiculous, but I never realized how much I depended on my computer until it was gone. At first I was upset because I had to send out a few emails, then I was worried about losing all our pictures-trips to London, Ireland, Teeny's first year and a 1/2 memories possibly gone forever. And then I thought about iTunes! Thousands of songs lost forever. No more Facebook, blogging, searching for recipes, emailing friends. I have quit smoking and caffeine, both difficult, but they seemed like nothing compared to kicking my computer addiction. I didn't even have the opportunity to wean myself from it-it was cold turkey.

At first it was hard-seemingly impossible. But day by day, it was easier. Some things were more of an inconvenience-late bills because I couldn't confirm scheduled payments. In another way though, it reintroduced me to things I haven't used for a while. I actually used my cookbooks instead of just going online to check out 1000 recipes. I organized my recipe files and found recipes I hadn't used in years. I even baked bread twice!

When Murph told me the new computer wouldn't be delivered until February 22 I was inconsolable, but as time passed, it didn't seem so long after all. When it arrived yesterday, a few days ahead of schedule, I had mixed emotions about it. I love it, new and fancy, faster and sleeker. But I also had a feeling I didn't quite expect-a momentary pang of sadness. Instead of being on the computer, Murph and I watched the Olympics together, relaxed on the couch drinking hot chocolate and just spent more time together instead of checking emails. These little moments, small and insignificant as they may seem, were nice and wouldn't have happened if the computer had been up & running. But alas, here I am, back on the computer, checking emails, updating my Facebook page and blogging. I think what I figured out from this whole thing was that my life without a computer is a bit harder, maybe an inconvenience, but not a tragedy. Sometimes moderation may be the key!

The Dreaded Fifteen

First of all-an update on Teeny. Teeny ended up having croup this past week, not just a cold. My only image of croup was from Terms of Endearment when Debra Winger is sitting in an extremely steamed up bathroom with a screaming kid and a cheatin' husband. Needless to say, after a week of little to no sleep, a cranky toddler and now being sick myself, we have all-Teeny included, come through croup relatively unscathed. We did sit in a steamy bathroom for numerous mornings but no cheating went on-who has the energy to cheat when you've got a croupy toddler?!?!? Only in the movies I guess.

I'm sure everyone has heard of the freshman 15. You know, go away to school, eat bad dorm food, gain weight fight to lose it in time for spring break, only to gain it back in beer weight once on said break. I think this theory applies to motherhood as well. My weight has always been an "issue" for me. I have never been extremely overweight and I am told that I don't need to lose weight, but I know my body and I NEED to. Prior to my wedding almost 6 years ago, I did the South Beach Diet and got really skinny-I loved it! Then gained some back, lost it again and then....GOT PREGNANT! My top weight during my pregnancy was...hold your breath...178 lbs. After Teeny was born I lost alot of the weight, only to put some of it back on again.

I blame my weight gain on being home, and of course, lack of self control. I have been a generally healthy eater, with occasional binges. Except being home has sent these binges into overdrive! I started to eat things I would never have before-Cheerios Snack mix-a whole bag and explain it to myself that Teeny and I had shared it. Shared meaning she picked out some Cheerios and maybe a pretzel or two and I finished the rest for her. My dinner meals had also become more elaborate than when I was working. More time to grocery shop and cook meant more food to me. It also meant trying out recipes from cookbooks I haven't had time to use before. Cookbooks like my fat filled, but oh so delicious French Cooking book or Southern cookbooks filled with buttery biscuits and gravy. I have now been home since June and realized that I have gained my own freshman 15, give or take a few pounds.

So now its time to fight back. I hate New Years resolutions. I usually don't make them because by Jan 2nd, I have most likely over served myself wine or said a medley of curse words to the slow driver in front of me. So this is not a resolution, it just so happens that its easier for me to start a diet once the holidays have passed and we are no longer having wine filled, hors d'oeuvres laden family meals. I began South Beach Diet (again) on January 5. I am not sure of my exact start weight-only got the new scale on Saturday, but since I weighed myself at Teeny's pediatrician on Thursday, I've lost 4 pounds! The first week was pure torture. Leftover Christmas cookies and chocolates taunted me, but I stuck to my diet. Unfortunately for Murph, he is stuck eating the same food I cook for myself for dinner, only he eats double or triple portions. He's been a good sport. The biggest challenge so far has been sitting beside him after dinner watching him eat a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream and pretending to enjoy my cup of sugar free jello. I did overcome a big temptation today though-I baked fudge brownies for Murph and wasn't even tempted to try one! Progress my friends, progress! I even started to do yoga again. I also had a brief encounter with Carmen Electra's striptease aerobics at midnight the other day, but that is something for a later blog-trust me!

What I want is to get to my wedding weight again. Realistically I would be happy to be 10 pounds more than that. Ten years plus one child make me realize that I need to be reasonable. So here's to cutting out caffeine (headache), alcohol for a few weeks (boring) and sugar (life seems a little less sweet). I'll keep you posted on how its going and if Murph continues to enjoy his turkey bacon and butter-less veggies.

Down for The Count

I have been lucky in the fact that I have a toddler who is rarely if ever sick. Teeny has had maybe two colds and has really never run much of a fever, maybe just a 99.0 for a day or so. That is over...at least for now. My poor Teeny has been laying on the couch since Sunday afternoon with a fever - running between 102-103. Anyone who knows Teeny knows laying on the couch is NOT something she does often. She is one of the most active, energetic children I've ever seen. She can run around for hours non stop and barely take a 30 minute nap only to jump up and start running around all over again. Since Sunday, there has been a constant whimper coming from our living room couch. Our house is covered in beach towels, sheets and comforters to make for easy clean up from the various spit up sessions that have happened when she briefly ventures off the couch.

As usual, I have been the picture of calm-not really. I did call the doctor Sunday night in a moment of panic when her body turned red and her heart was beating too fast. She called me back and said "don't worry-that is normal with a high fever". I have read over the What to Expect:The Toddler Years and convinced myself that Teeny has some rare illness because the symptoms seemed to fit. It doesn't matter that she could have only caught these illnesses in a tropical climate-I was in Aruba 10 years ago, maybe it has been dormant in me! I can maybe see a little of why my husband gets so annoyed at what he considers my paranoia and over worrying. After a brief doctor's visit this morning it was confirmed-just a bad cold that Motrin will help ease. So no, Teeny doesn't have some rare tropical disease or rare condition. Just a run of the mill cold-one which I am sure Murph and I will both have by the end of the week!

Maybe I do worry a bit too much or panic over small things, but I can't help it. Maybe I call Murph every time I leave the house to check the flat iron to make sure it is unplugged or drive back home to make sure the burner is off after making a cup of tea. I am convinced that even though the coffee pot has an automatic shut off after 2 hours, it will fail the one day I forget to turn it off. While my excess concern may seem funny to my husband, I am sure that one of these days my worrying may save us from some disaster. So if I worry about Teeny's sniffles and fevers and plugs, oh well. Better to err on the side of caution!

Where Does My Time Go?

One of the things I was looking forward to as a stay at home mommy was time. I imagined myself having time to clean, do laundry, cook fabulous dinners, watch tv, play with Teeny and even nap if I chose to. Let me just say...this is not the case...at all! When I was working full time, if things like the laundry got a little backed up or we ordered a pizza because we were just too tired to cook, I accepted it as a casualty of my work schedule. I had hoped that having those "extra" hours in my day would give me what would seem like infinite time to get complete my things to do lists. The first month home seemed pretty close to what I had imagined-I had time for baby gym, farmers markets, laundry and some spare time to just hang around doing whatever. I started off my new self with a leap and managed to be excited about cooking pretty great dinners every night. By the end of September, this didn't seem to be happening anymore. I was getting more sleep than before, but was waking up as if I had just taken a 20 minute nap. Now all of a sudden, housework that had always seemed to get done, either by Murph or myself, was my responsibility and mine alone pretty much and I started to feel a bit overwhelmed. I began to think...HOLY CRAP! There is alot to do!!!! And I have found that it is impossible, TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE to do alot of it while Teeny is awake. Folding laundry with her help means double folding, cooking means Teeny stands at the kitchen gate crying for Mommy. I hate to admit it, but at times Nick Jr. has been the only way I have gotten anything done.

As this year has gone on, it comes in waves, ebbs & flows. One day I am totally energetic and getting tons done, the next I am out of it, and can barely bring myself to defrost a chicken cutlet let alone cook it. I have begun to wonder if the Rolling Stones hit the mark when they sang about Mother's Little Helpers. Mine has become coffee. And boy is it good.

I think December is when it really hit home for me. I had figured that for once my Christmas cards would be sent early, like the 1st or second week of December kind of early. Heck, I even ordered them by November 14th and had them sitting in our closet waiting to be sent out. The cards were sent out the 3rd week of December because I was just too tired to stick the address labels on or write out the envelopes after Teeny went to bed. Some how, I still (as of January 5th) have about 20 cards sitting on top of my shelf that I forgot to send out. Once again, it seemed like my dreams of TIME had flashed by me. Not to lay blame about this, but I have to admit that a few of them were still there because of missing addresses that Murph did not give me until December 23rd. At that point, I was in the midst of baking over 300 Christmas cookies, making marshmallows for everyone & wrapping them up and had forgotten about Christmas cards. I had hoped that the Christmas shopping I had begun way back in November and had been doing on a nearly daily basis would be done. Alas, I was in Target at 8 AM on December 24th buying my Mom the new hair dryer I had written on her "gifts to buy" list way back in September! And even worse, I was online on the night of December 24th ordering a DVD set for my Dad I had forgotten about. I was still hanging lights in my windows as of December 19th-an impossible task when Teeny is pulling them across the room.

I had started this new life with lists that were completely crossed off at the end of each day. These lists have gotten frighteningly longer as things to do from one day are transferred as unfinished to the next day. I have started to realize that I may have come into this new life with a very romantic and unrealistic idea of what being a stay at home mom would be like. At first I started to think it was just me, but it took Christmas kicking me in the behind to make me realize that it doesn't have to be this way. My family is fed, they have clean clothes and my house, for the most part, is maintained. They all seem happy. I have time to play with Teeny and maybe even take a nap or watch Days of our Lives while eating our lunches. If that means ordering a pizza once in a while, then fine.

And if you haven't gotten my Christmas card yet, don't worry, it's on my top shelf and will be mailed tomorrow. Why not keep the Christmas spirit going just a little bit longer!

The Real "First" Christmas

Ok, so now it is January, Christmas was more than a week ago and I have not fully recovered. Neither has our house, or Teeny's bedtime for that matter. After celebrating this Christmas, I am beginning to feel as if this was more like Teeny's first Christmas. Of course, last year was her first calendar year Christmas, but she really didn't do much. She played with her toys, sort of, but couldn't open any gifts. At 7 months, she was just as interested in the boxes as she was in an overpriced Elmo Live that Santa had brought. Her only memories of that Christmas will be what Murph and I tell her and from the pictures she will see.

I consider this to be Teeny's "First" Christmas. This year, at 20 months old, Teeny was able to participate so much more in the activities of the season. She helped me bake and cut out cookies, unwrapped gifts for friends and family as I wrapped them and even made a foam wreath-not that it looked much like a wreath. Teeny watched Christmas movies and tv shows and seemed to show an interest in them, laughing at the right times, etc. Christmas morning is what really solidified it for me as her "first" Christmas. When Teeny saw her presents under the tree, she showed genuine shock and excitement! She turned each gift over and unwrapped it like a pro! For all the joy this Christmas seemed to bring to her, mine was a million times more. It was a great feeling to see my daughter open these gifts with gusto and happiness in her eyes. Each "Oooh WOW!" made my heart melt.

So, yes, while last year may have been Teeny's first Christmas, this Christmas, to me at least, will always be Teeny's first real Christmas! I can only imagine what next year will bring!

To Believe or Not to Believe...

Recently I read an email from a friend which brought up the Santa & kids telling other kids topic. Now, at this point, this is not an issue for us with Teeny. She doesn't even understand the idea of Santa let alone question his existence. It did get me thinking though-how did I come to decide that Santa didn't really exist? I can't seem to remember how I found out, but I do know I was sure not to tell my sister. I remember telling my parents very matter of factly that I no longer believed that Santa was real and I also remember them asking me if I was willing to take the chance of not getting any gifts on Christmas morning, extending my weakened belief by at least another year.
One year, a student in my fourth grade who was no longer a "believer" decided to start telling the other children in class, all fervent believers, that his mom had told him Santa was just a story and it was their parents that bought their gifts. This bit of knowledge left me with 20 something very upset children. Damage control was not easy-but I basically told them the story of Saint Nicholas and that I for one still believe, so of course he had to be real. The next day I got a phone call from the mother of my anti Santa student telling me how terrible it was that I perpetuate a lie and that all children deserve the truth. She felt fourth grade was way too old to still think Santa was real. WHAT!?!?!?!
As far as I'm concerned, there is no reason a child should have to stop believing at any age. In the world we live in, what harm can be done by allowing a child to believe in goodness, love and generosity? I hope Teeny believes in Santa for as long as her faith allows. Even though logic tells me Santa is only a story, a little part of me still holds onto the hope that maybe, just maybe Santa does exist. I would like to think that there is someone out there who is pure goodness, even as an adult. It may be naive, but I prefer to think of it as keeping the Christmas spirit alive!

A Sneeze Can Say a Thousand Words

It has been so long since my last post-who thought not having a set schedule anymore could be so busy! Baby class update----We are no longer going! There you have it-we (more like I) gave up. After my last post, Teeny and I attended a few more classes, all of which included screaming, throwing ourselves on the floor and of course, commandeering the ball pit during circle time. The teachers told me many times that they were seeing an improvement in her week by week. And then it happened-I was asked to take Teeny out of Circle Time! The assistant told me they felt it would be better if Teeny did not sit in circle time because it was a distraction to the other babies, who would now follow her lead. After that class, I decided maybe a break was best for all involved. We are Baby School dropouts!
Now onto the newest news-Teeny has had a cold for the last 2 weeks. NOT swine flu, seasonal flu, pneumonia, etc. Just your run of the mill cold. I did take her to the doctor after 2 weeks of sneezing, coughing, a snotty nose and crying. Unfortunately, because every other baby & child in Queens has a cold, her doctor was busy and we saw a different doctor in the same office. After answering all the same questions about 3 or 4 times, she suggested a nebulizer! I may be a little bit of a nervous mom at times, but a nebulizer seemed a bit over the top to me, so I asked her to just check with Teeny's regular pediatrician. The nebulizer idea was then nixed and we agreed upon some saline drops if needed and keep using the humidifier. So we left the office, still coughing, but happy to know it was just a cold.
After our visit to the doctor, a trip to Stop n Shop was next on our agenda. While waiting at the deli counter, Teeny had a bit of a coughing episode. You know the kind, where you can't catch your breath, your eyes start to tear up and you sound (and feel) like you may actually cough out a whole lung. She and I moved over to be out of everyone's way and I calmed her down. Once we were all done with the major coughing, I went back over to the deli where I heard a man lean over to the woman he was standing with and say how terrible the coughing is and say something about my daughter probably having the swine flu! Those dreaded words-SWINE FLU!!!!! The two words no mother wants to hear linked to her child. As I stood there, watching the couple watching us, this very health conscious man proceeded to let out the loudest, biggest and sloppiest sounding sneeze I have ever heard-ALL OVER THE COUNTER! He made NO attempt to cover his face, wiped his nose with his hand and went on talking without skipping a beat. I couldn't resist. In my best stage whisper I said to Teeny and anyone else who happened to be within 30 feet, And my daughter's coughing is offensive to you-how disgusting! And then I left!
It is still taking work, but I am getting better at just accepting the fact that toddlers will cough, sneeze and even vomit wherever and whenever they feel the need. The CVS in Maspeth will attest to the last one-I think they still cringe when they see Teeny come in the door!
Still loving being home and finding out that I may actually have more patience than I ever gave myself credit for. And lots of coffee doesn't hurt either!

Till next time!
Dana