The title of this blog are words to live by...at least for me. The more sour the lemons, the more wine is needed. I haven't written in a while for a number of reasons. First-Thanksgiving was CRAZY!!! By crazy I mean the wonderful kind of crazy that leaves you exhausted but wishing it would never end. There were endless amounts of food and even more fun with our families. Second-the end of November seemed to whiz by and I barely remember this first week of December. There were so many things to do. Between Home School meetings, school party planning, mall Santas and shopping, it has been a whirlwind. The third and main reason I haven't written is I wasn't sure what to say. I am a firm believer in being as honest as possible in my blog. It is hard to write honestly when you are not ready to face the truth within yourself, but after some time to think I'm ready... so here it goes.
In early October I went for a routine GYN checkup. The doctor who delivered the minis is no longer with the practice, so I figured I'd see one of the new doctors. After some complications and a trip to the emergency room, I ended up switching doctors and meeting the OB/GYN who probably saved my life. In early November, my new doctor found a large fibroid which required surgery. This was a routine surgery, or at least we thought so. During the course of the surgery, she thought something didn't look right to her and she was right.
Nothing good follows when a doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you this..." I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer on Friday November 9th. Let's just say it is an awful feeling to wake up from anesthesia and be told that you have cancer, especially when there were never any suspicions of cancer beforehand. I can't even begin to describe the things that went through my mind when I heard those words and looked up to see my Mom and Murph standing beside my hospital bed. The doctor had spoken to them already and the look of shock and sadness on their faces only confirmed for me what I had thought was possibly anesthesia induced delusion.
And then I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. I cried for the next week off and on. I cried every time Murph left for work. My Mom came the next morning to help me at home after the surgery and just to sit with me and hold me while I cried some more. I cried on Murph. I cried next to Murph. I cried on my Mom. I cried in the shower. I cried alone in bed. I cried every time Stina or Matthew smiled. I just kept hearing the words in my head..."I'm so sorry Dana. You have cervical cancer." I felt as if I was watching someone else's terrible life or the worst Lifetime movie ever, and I was the main character. Stina believed I had a bad migraine (which I had also). My sister changed her Thanksgiving flight and came a week early and stayed through Thanksgiving, and I really cried.
I finally stopped crying after my follow up to the surgeon. She said they believed it was early stage and set me up with an oncologist. I saw the oncologist the week after Thanksgiving and she is wonderful. I wish I didn't ever have to meet her, but I guess if this is the way it is, I am happy she is my doctor. She preliminarily staged me at stage 1B and recommended a radical hysterectomy for the week after New Year's. I cried again. Murph and I had no intention of having another baby, but now I knew the option would be gone. I got the letter from the insurance company today approving my Pet scan and I cried again. I watch Stina dance around and sing the songs from Brave and I cry a little. I hear Matthew's speech exploding and am amazed at how many words he knows and I cry a little. I don't want to miss a minute with them.
My survival expectancy is very good. After the hysterectomy my doctor is hoping I may avoid chemo or radiation. I still have so many thoughts and emotions going through my head. I am grateful for everyday I have my minis. I am grateful I still feel good-so good I didn't even know I had cancer until last month. I am beyond grateful for my family and my husband, who let me scream, cry, and held themselves together for mine and my children's sake so every now and then I can fall apart. I'm grateful I have a husband who offered to shave my head if I ended up needing it and even told me we'd look cute bald together if I did end up having treatments. I'm starting to be okay with the diagnosis, or at least get used to it. I don't cry when I say the word cancer but I still cry at night when I pray and when it's quiet and I have time to let my mind go. I get weepy when I think of my beautiful babies. They are the reason I will beat cervical cancer.
So there it is...some of the sourest lemons life has handed me lately. You now see why lemonade wouldn't be enough for these lemons. These called for wine and lots of it. A bit of advice, if you are diagnosed with cancer, DO NOT watch Hallmark Channel Christmas movies the same weekend you have been diagnosed. I never noticed before how many of these movies' storyline is a Mom dying (usually of cancer) and the Dad struggling to raise 2 kids and reluctantly find love for Christmas. Give yourself a week or 2 before you watch Hallmark movies. And I hate the Christmas Shoes song even more than I hated it before.
